To those I love from afar, old friends and new; to my past self and to my future…
I will leave this year with the softness you instilled, wrapped in a lasting richness of comfort and warmth. This is a decadence I could never have afforded without you.
You gifted dignity in acceptance of my chaos. Laughter to break the curse of my persistent low moods. Solidarity, persevering support, and occasionally difficult words. But always seeing the person, not the condition. Kindness is often masked for pity. Never once did I feel pitied.
It feels shameful to indulge in this gratitude because I am a stranger to kindness. The cliche of the one who knew no love, but who always loved too much. This year has changed me beyond recognition, and at times it’s been incredibly overwhelming.
In 2023 I turned 30. My grandad passed away. My beloved cat passed away. I received an ADHD diagnosis. I started a new job, started saving for a house. I finished my master’s degree. This barely scratches the surface.
I struggle to recognise how much I’ve been through, how far I’ve come and the extent of what I’ve achieved. But nothing compares to learning to receive love.
Love terrifies me and it’s a word I’m coming to terms with. That it isn’t binary. Its many forms envelop and overlap. That we live and breathe love into existence at the stir of a spoon, or the arrangement on a plate. In the obnoxious howls of giddiness in the face of difficulty. In the hapless decisions that invigorate our souls. In the hours spent exercising overexcited minds.
In those moments we share staring at the sky, at the trees, leaning against walls. Saying the unspoken. Drinking in moments that we hold onto in desperation. Or is it hope and optimism (?)
In all of this, I have learnt that it’s okay to live authentically. To exist fully. To love wholly. And that the right people will embrace your vulnerability.
I have learnt that this does not come without sacrificing old habits in place of new ones. Without risk of heartbreak. And at times, I have felt utterly heartbroken beyond words.
But I am learning to accept others’ love and kindness. To accept their acceptance of me. And to accept them as they are too. Acknowledging that challenges my deeply rooted disgust of myself, discovering that self-hatred indulges my cynicism.
I am repairing myself, proven in practise that I am my own catalyst for change. Understanding that gentle momentum is better than stagnation; but getting better at telling my impatient itch to stay still. Sometimes.
I couldn’t have done this without you. Thank you for reminding me that there are good people in the world. Thank you for keeping me in check. Thank you proving me wrong.
Thank you for reminding me that life is worth living.
See you in 2024.